A Week in a Nutshell

     I read back over the past couple weeks of my journal entries and let me just tell you, there are enough emotions in there to keep a counselor busy for weeks!  I would love to share them on here but think it's probably not the wisest thing to do just yet.  Here's a little bit of what it was like.

     I had started writing before Christmas, because I was just really bummed that Jeremiah wasn't going to be home. The reality of the length of his deployment was setting in.  He was supposed to leave in April of 2013 and be gone for 4 months, that didn't happen.  His deployment got pushed back and they didn't leave until May.  Then, the 4 months changed to a 12-14 month deployment, and we were only at the 7th month mark.   I love Christmas, the sights, the smells, the reason for the season, just the overall spirit of Christmas, but this Christmas was tougher than years past.  It was hard knowing Jeremiah wasn't going to be there to watch the wonderment of our two little boys on Christmas morning.  In the evenings, I wanted to be able to put the boys to bed and just snuggle up on the couch in front of the tree with him, but I knew it wasn't even a possibility.  Maybe the most unexpected thoughts I had were those of guilt.  It was such a strange feeling to know as I was rushing around from store to store getting the last things ready for the holidays, he was overseas fighting for his life and my freedom.  It almost didn't even feel right to be happy, but i pushed through it.  

    Next, came Christmas morning, which i'm pretty sure has always been magical since the very first one with the angels, shepards, and that sweet baby Jesus.  It was still dark outside and the boys woke up and wandered into the living room to find two guitars under the tree!  They immediately put on a show!  I loved it!  Then, as I'm sure we woke up the rest of the house, the rest of our family began to gather around as we opened our stockings.  Jeremiah joined us through Skype which was awesome.  I was so glad he was at least going to kind of get to take part in all the excitement.  He then proceeded to tell me he got a Christmas gift too.  I asked him what it was and he replied, "I'm coming home!"  

     "What!"  I said with question in my voice.  I was waiting for him to tell me that is what they had been told, that he wasn't sure if it was actually going to happen or not, but for now, that's what they have heard.  But that wasn't the case, he had actually found out a couple weeks ago, and they had already packed up and started heading out of country!  It was at that point the flood gates opened and tears of joy rapidly streamed down my face!  "You're actually going to make it out alive,"  I yelled.  There have been so many times this deployment that I didn't actually know if he was going to live through it.  He was blown up 3 times his last deployment, and once this deployment; just how many times can a person survive such near death experiences, not to mention the numerous firefights that seemed to happen on a weekly basis, at best.  

     So, here we are one week later, and he is still coming home.  No change of plans yet, but until he is on U.S. soil, I am going to try to not get my hopes up too high.  I am so relieved to know he will be safe at home, well at least not being shot at or blown up by IED's, but I am really having to not let myself get too down when I think about the months that lie ahead.  Emerson, our oldest knows his daddy is coming home.  Today he said, "Mommy, it is taking Daddy forever to get here."  I tried to reassure him.  I explained it is a very long trip and can sometimes take awhile, but in the back of my mind all I could think was how are we going to explain to this little boy that we can't live with daddy because we don't have enough money?  

     Money.  I hate how money controls so many things, but I am so very thankful that my God controls more.  He knows what our future holds.  He knows exactly what we need and when we need it.  He will provide all of our needs.  

     I don't like to ask for help, especially when it come to needing help financially, but I also know how good it feels to be able to be a blessing to others when I have been able to give.  If you would like to help us, you can help 3 ways.  First, is by simply praying for us.  I am a firm believer in power of prayer and know that God has the ability to do more than any dollar amount ever could.  Next, if you feel led, you can help by making a monetary donation at www.gofundme.com/militaryfamilyshome.  Finally, you can be a huge help by simply sharing the link to this blog or to the GoFundMe website so we can reach  a bigger audience.  With your help, we will be able to have our family together, and these two sweet boys can have their daddy home!  

Update on Mi Casa and My State of Mind

Phone call after phone call, email after email; that has been my life these past few weeks, and no, I don't work in an office. After two television news interviews, I have had a number of people asking about our house, and wondering if anything has ever happened with it. In short, no, not really. I've talked with a number of organizations, the insurance company, and the lawyers in the JAG office just to name a few. I have had some gracious individuals give monetary gifts and a few others have offered their assistance with the heating and plumbing repairs, but with the foundation still the major money issue, we have together decided it is wisest to not do anything until we have a solution for the foundation. Let's be realistic, it would be better if the house was just torn down- at least that's how I feel right now. I would feel terrible if they did all that work on the plumbing, heating, and drywall, and then, by some miracle, we were able to work something out with the bank, and they demolished it due to the foundation. I'm not going to lie, there have been a few mornings when I have woke up this week feeling knots in my stomach because of our house. It has taken a pure conscious effort to control my thoughts and be reminded that God is in control; He is faithful, and he will see me through this. Worse than fighting those thoughts, are my fears concerning Jeremiah. He has been really "busy" and in war, "busy" is never a good thing. I see him every few days on Skype which is great, but it plays with my mind when we go longer than usual without hearing from him. Multiple times a day, I wonder if today will be the day- Was that the last time I will see him? Will a car pull up in front of our house? Will some men in uniform walk up our steps and come knock on our door? Will today be the day my world is totally turned upside down? As quickly as those thoughts try to creep in, with a lump in my throat, I push them back and think of Philippians 4:8. I love the way The Message version puts it. Phillipians 4:8-9 (MSG) 8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. It isn't always easy taming our wild minds, but I think God knew we needed specific instructions to not dwell on the negative. I don't know what tomorrow holds for my house or for my family, but for today, this is the day that He has made and I will choose to rejoice and be glad in it. Do you ever struggle with your thoughts? Do you have a good practice for overcoming the negative? I would love to hear them!

Copper thieves damage home while soldier is deployed

Copper thieves damage home while soldier is deployed

Where Do We Go From Here?

As I sat down to right this this evening I am still in utter amazement at the number of people who have given their prayers and support to us during this tough time. My inbox has been flooded with peoples' sympathies, ideas, and even links to others who might be able to help us. I am meeting with a gentleman on Monday at the house in Springfield, to discuss some of our options and to see if he thinks the house is even worth trying to repair. Another builder has already told us that if it were him, he would tear the house down, and cut our losses. That sounds easy enough, but even demoing a house would cost a pretty penny. Furthermore, I don't think that is even an option considering we still owe the bank $53,000. So, I will be calling the JAG office on Monday as well to see if they have any legal advise for me as to what we could do. Regardless of what we do, it is going to cost a lot of money. A huge blessing we did get this week was that some of our friends contacted City Utilities in Springfield, and CU credited back 100% of our water bill to our account since the usage was due to vandalism. Praise God! These same friends also started working on a fundraising site so that individuals could send us donations. It is incredibly humbling to be in this position, to have people asking what they can do to help, and replying, "Well, you can give us a donation if you would like, and of course, your prayers are always welcome too." I don't know about you, but asking for money is not my cup of tea. I have however, been on the other side too, wanting to do good for somebody, to help somebody in need, to be able to be a blessing, so I get what people are wanting to do. I truly believe God created something within us that simply desires to do good for others. I also know that God has promised me He will provide all of our needs, but he didn't tell us how He would do that; and if it is through the generosity of others, I want to be open to accepting the blessings He has in store for me. So, with that being said, if you would like to help us, you can make a donation online using PayPal, by clicking on the button to the right, under Pages titled, "Donate to the Cartwright's Home" or by visiting the facebook page, "Military Family's Home." Last but most definitely not least, I am asking for your prayers, that God would give us His wisdom, that we would not rely on our own understanding, and that everything will work together for His good. I praise God that He is already receiving the Glory in this situation. I am beginning to taste how God is turning this sour bushel of lemons into lemonade...it just might take a little time.

Morton Salt & Bitter Lemonade

     In 1914, Morton Salt, inc. created their first advertising campaign for a series of ads in Good Housekeeping Magazine. What they came up with was a picture of a little girl carrying an umbrella and a box of salt under her arm, pouring out onto the ground behind her. Along with that picture came one of the most widely recognized slogans, "When it rains, it pours." While this slogan was intended to show the salt would pour under damp conditions, it has been found fitting to describe the tough circumstances that we seem to go through at different times in our lives. And right now, there is an absolute downpour in our neck of the woods.
     First, let me just take you on a little trip back to the beginning of the storm. We have two rental houses in Springfield, Missouri that we haven't sold because we bought them at the height of the market and we owe more on them than what they are worth, but with an upturn in the real estate market we decided we would try to get them ready to sell so we would have one less thing to worry about while living across the country as a military family. We had some renters at our East Avenue house that had done a sufficient amount of damage so we worked on it while Jeremiah was on leave in Missouri before he deployed to Afghanistan. After a few days of work we decided we didn't want to spend our last few days together as a family stressed and working on the house, so we hired it out. Most projects on the list were small but the one big one was fixing a buckle in the dining room floor. When they the tore the floor up, the found a problem-a huge problem.  The foundation, sill plate, and rim joist were completely rotted. Just in case you don't know, that is just about everything that normally holds a house together at the base.  This had allowed the house to settle several inches. Now, the entire center joist of the house is resting on the main drain pipe. The estimate to jack up the house, dig out a new foundation and replace all the rotted wood, just a mere $26,000!  Aside from the amount that it would cost to fix, the worst part may be that someone had attempted to fix it before but we would have never known that if we hadn't torn the floor up.  This part of the house couldn't be seen during an inspection. The house was a HUD house when we purchased it, which makes me wonder if the person that allowed it to go into foreclosure, knew exactly what they were getting rid of- a lemon, a very sour lemon. 
     From there we called our insurance company, not really expecting them to do anything, but thought it was worth a shot.  They determined the damage was done prior to the time we had it insured with them, and said there was nothing they could do.  The next step was to call the bank and work on it from that end.  We bank with Bank of America and that alone can be a nightmare in itself at times.  Over the course of the past few months, I have been in contact with them, sending them their required documentation for their borrower's assistance programs, but it hasn't been doing me any good because these programs are all intended to keep a borrower in their home.  We could choose to foreclose or see if we could do a short sale, but besides the fact Jeremiah and I both feel it is irresponsible to do that, he cannot take a negative hit to his credit in order to maintain a Top Security Clearance for his job.  So, that pretty much leaves us with our hands tied.
     Now, if you'll remember, that was just the background, here is what has happened most recently.  Friday night I got a call from the neighbors at this house and they informed me it looked like someone had broke in the back door.   I called the police, filed a complaint, and they went out and checked it.  They didn't see where anyone had broke in, but I still felt a little unsettled about it, so Sunday evening my mom and I headed to Springfield to check it out.  We pulled in the driveway just as the sun went down, and when I opened the front door I heard water rushing.  I ran to the neighbors to find a wrench and a flash light to turn the water main off.  I finally found the guy across the street home, and he offered to come check out the house with me, so we didn't have to go in by ourselves.  There wasn't anyone inside, but someone had definitely been there, and I don't think it was Goldilocks...unless of course she has gone into the scrap metal business.  Whoever broke in, ripped the heater apart and stole the coils, ripped out the copper pipe fittings on the hot water heater, cut a pipe on the refrigerator, and busted out a main water pipe in the bathroom as well.  However, they were kind enough to try to stuff a shower curtain over the pipe, like it might actually stop it.
     The walls were drenched.  The crawl space was completely flooded which resulted in the carpeting throughout the house to be soaked, and the floors in the bedroom to buckle.  Here's the real kicker, when the insurance adjuster came out, he said none of it would be covered because the house had been vacant for more than 30 days prior to the incident as clearly stated in our policy.  If only honesty wasn't something I valued, I could have maybe got something out of them.  Instead I am left with a house that is in even worse condition than it was before and worth even less than it was before.
     When the adjuster was telling me they wouldn't cover it, I felt like I could puke or pass out, but I held it together.  I didn't even cry until after he left, and I was a good twenty minutes down the road.  I hated to tell Jeremiah the terrible news, but he of course took it in stride and assured me that it was okay.  "It's just a house," he reminded me.  As I drove back home, I prayed and cried out to God, singing, "I need thee, Oh I need thee.  Every hour I need thee.  Bless me now my Saviour, I come to thee."  As I got home to my momma's comfort, I told her in some strange way, I am almost glad this has all happened while Jeremiah is deployed.  It has been a good reminder to me that a house is not the most important thing in life, that money isn't the most important thing.  While I have a house with some major issues, I still have so many blessings.  I will continue to push forward, to not let this get me down, to find ways for God to use this bitter cup of lemonade for good.
     My mom keeps telling me I need to make a YouTube video explaining my situation and just ask people to send $1 to help us get rid of this house, but that's just not me.  What I would like though is if you have any sound advise or know of someone in the banking/ housing industry with Bank of America that could give me some direction instead of the run around I would greatly appreciate it!        

Where Did My Emotions Go?

     A couple weeks ago, Jeremiah called and said his deployment got pushed back and wondered if I wanted him to come to my parents for another visit; did he really need to ask?  Of course I said yes!  We were so blessed to get to have that extra unexpected time together.  He even got to see Asher walk!  The only bad thing about him coming home again meant we had to say, "Goodbye," all over again.  As we traveled two hours to the airport the same knot began to develop in the pit of my stomache like it has every other time.  We tried to talk about things that weren't related to his deployment but we have found that to be nearly impossible. I know it is hard for me, but I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be for him;  I at least get to be around the boys and my family, he won't have any family.  When we arrived at the airport, we decided it would be easier if we didn't go in, we would just drop him off in the parking lot.  I prepared myself for a complete cry fest. I watched him and he leaned over Asher's car seat to kiss him goodbye and wondered if Asher will ever have the opportunity to know just how amazing his daddy is.  Next, came the hard one- I hesitated getting my camera out to capture these tough moments, but I knew if something did happen I would forever regret it.  Jeremiah picked up Emerson and in true Emerson fashion he squeezed his daddy as tight as he could.  Finally, it was my turn.  We hugged and kissed knowing that we wanted to cherish that moment but also knowing how quickly you forget what that person's touch feels like.
      As he walked away with his suitcase in hand, I prepared myself for a cry fest, but nothing happened- not hardly one tear.  And let me tell you just in case you don't know me well, that is extremely unusual for me.  Sometimes I am completely convinced that God alters my hormones when Jeremiah is gone.  I can go for months without crying, and as soon as he is home, the tears flow. Maybe I just put up my walls but even at that, I know my God is protecting me and preparing me.
     I know this deployment will not be easy.  Jeremiah is not going to a safe place.  His job is not easy.  However, we do serve a mighty God.  He has carried us through three other deployment and I know he will do the same this time.  I know it is easy to read blogs and stories like these and think we will pray for them, but then we never do, but I am asking a huge favor of you.  Please pray for Jeremiah and the safety of the men he is with.    Pray that God protects them physically but also pray for their mental stability, their ability to be quick on their feet, to make wise decisions.  Pray that miracles take place right before their eyes and that people will be brought to God, that he would receive the glory.  I never want a deployment to happen but when they come around, I do look forward to all the stories I get to share that are a testimony to God's provision and grace.
      May God richly bless you as you invest your time praying for us.  I hope that you too will use these moments to testify about God's greatness!

Drenched in Grace

As the days pass, it is getting harder and harder to tame the thoughts and fears of Jeremiah leaving. I drove past Range Road the other day in Niceville, Fl which is where the EOD Schoolhouse is located and out in front of the building is a large memorial wall for the fallen EOD soldiers. The last time I stood in front of that wall, I was filled with a different set of emotions than the ones I feel now. Then I was so proud of Jeremiah and all he had accomplished because making it through EOD school isn't an easy task, not to mention the strain it puts on the families too. Now, I am trusting that God will protect him and give him the wisdom he needs to keep his name off that wall. I continued my drive back to the hotel reminded of God's grace and that I need to continue to put my hope in him.
Then, yesterday, I took the boys to the Air Force Armament Museum so Emerson could look at all the airplanes, missiles, and rockets, and while we were there I began to notice the walkways were lined with brick pavers dedicated to loved ones who were killed in battle. For some reason it just hit me different than it usually does when I read the names of the fallen. As I watched Emerson play without a care in the world, tears filled my eyes, knowing the weight of the bricks we stepped on. In that same heavy moment, I sensed God's overwhelming protective presence, like he just scooped me up in his arms. I can tell God is sharpening me, like a knife on a stone, He is gradually allowing me to experience these deep heavy emotions but at the same time, revealing himself to me.
As we left the museum, and traveled to our next destination, God once again poured out his grace on me. I don't even know how to describe it! He gave me this hope, this refreshing sense of eternity. He lifted me up, soaring like an eagle above our circumstances. It was a beautiful moment when I felt completely drenched in His grace! We don't know what tomorrow will hold. I am so grateful that regardless of what my time in this world has for me, my God has a beautiful eternity waiting for me. In the mean time, I look forward to more of these grace filled moments where God reveals His glory to me right here on Earth.
We serve an Awesome God! Has God revealed himself to you in your daily living? I would love to hear and share your stories!

Deployment Ahead...Again

Imagine you are traveling down the highway, making good progress towards you destination, and then there it is, right in front of you, the dreaded, big orange metal sign that reads, "Caution, Road Work Ahead," and traffic immediately slows down. After several miles of those oh so lovely orange striped cones, you get that freeing feeling of being able to step on the gas again; and just about the time you resume your speed and feel like you are making good progress again, you see it again, there off in the distance- another big orange sign! "Really," you say to yourself, or to whoever is in the car with you willing to listen to you complain, "Already? Again?" You know exactly what I'm talking about right? Well, that is just how I feel when seeing Jeremiah's next deployment off in the distance, but yet approaching all too quickly. We just got through one deployment. We've gotten settled into our new home, gotten our kids into a routine, and worked through some of the transitions that nearly every military family goes through after a deployment; and now, we are getting ready to do it all again.
The deployment will bring its own challenges but so far, we are just dealing Jeremiah's crazy training schedule in the midst of the holiday season. He is having a blast working with the Special Forces, but we hate being away from each other, especially when he is state side. We have weighed the pros and cons and have decided it would be best if I move back home with my parents while he deploys again. I will have the help and support I need, and my boys will have the opportunity to strengthen their relationships with at least one set of grandparents and other family members. Going home, doesn't just mean packing a suitcase for a weeklong visit, it means attempting to pack for two kids and myself for a year, all into one car load, and packing our home into boxes and moving it into storage. We considered keeping out stuff at our house so we wouldn't have to find a new rental when we move back here, but there is a strong possibility we will be PCSing (moving to a new Permanent Change of Station) when Jeremiah gets home. Furthermore, when we added up the dollars we would save by not paying for rent, utilities, cable, etc, we didn't even have to think twice. Packing and moving has become like second nature to us.
Once we made the decision to move home, the next question was when should we move. Jeremiah isn't leaving for a while yet, but due to training he will only be home a combined 2 weeks between now and the time he leaves. So, we will travel to Ohio, have a wonderful Christmas and New Years, and then come home and start packing. In the mean time, we are going to try to capture and soak up every moment we have together, not just rushing through life to get to our next destination, but trying to keep it slow and focused on the important things in the very moment we are living.

A Rock for a Pillow

While you might read the title of this blog and think it's going to be about Jeremiah sleeping on a rock, it isn't. It is about a much older story. You see, it has been a while, a long while, since I have been dedicated to spending some quiet time with God. I'm sure having a toddler and a new baby has had something to do with that, but, nonetheless, my spiritual growth has been stunted over the past few months. I don't know about you, but when God convicts me, my first reaction is to feel guilty. Then, I get depressed thinking about how I should be willing to sacrifice a few moments of sleep to spend a few minutes in the presence of the Almighty. With that being said, my sister gave my husband a new devotional for Christmas, so I started reading it here and there, and in those few moments, through those few paragraphs, God, once again, in His ever so loving and faithful way, drew me near to Him.
As I got up this morning, I felt a different feeling, not one of regret, hesitation, or conviction but rather an excitement to spend time in His presence. I recognized God's conviction, not as a shaking finger pointing at me, telling me I was wrong, but as a God, yearning for His child to spend time with Him. Wow! Isn't it crazy when you think about it, the God who put the moon and the stars in the sky, the God that created man, the God that sacrificed His son, wants to spend time with me. He has a message to give me, wisdom to instill in me, and a presence to rejuvenate me!
This mornings devotion took me to the Old Testament, to the story of Jacob camping on a rock. He was completely unaware of God's presence but after a restful night's sleep, and a heavenly dream of angels going to and from Heaven on a ladder, Jacob was certain this place was in the presence of God (Genesis 28:10-22). As I read it, I began to think about how so many times we ask God to be with us but fail to recognize when He is. It has ben my experience, that God shows up in the most unexpected places, and unexpected times. I think we often expect to find God in a sanctuary, or among believers in a Bible study, but who expects to find Him on a rock. While I might not be planning on camping out with a pillow for a rock anytime soon, I do know God is just as able to reveal himself to me at the playground, the grocery store, or in the middle of the night while feeding my sweet boy, as he was to Jacob that special night. It is my prayer, that I actively look for God in those places, that I expect to experience His presence in other places than our church sanctuary. As we come upon this Christmas season I am reminded of one of God's many names, Emmanuel, meaning, "God with us." So, as we head about our day, let us meditate on Emmanuel, and know He is with us, through thick and thin, through ups and downs, through snotty noses and poopy diapers, we can rest and be inspired by the very presence of the Most Holy God!

The Playground

As we have gotten settled back into life here in Georgia I was realizing the need for Emerson to have some social interaction with kids his age, so I started taking him to the playground on a regular basis. He, just like I expected, is doing quite well at learning the social skills needed in a toddler's world. What I wasn't really expecting to find at the playground were moms who live in a military community to be so dissatisfied with their levels of social interactions with other adults.
Even though Jeremiah has been in the army for over seven years, we are really just now getting the true active duty experience because the first 5 years he was in, he was a reservist. I figured that because military families relocate on a regular basis they would be quick to open up and make new friends; what I have found is the exact opposite. When I take the boys to the playground, I see other moms, including myself, looking for some adult conversation. So many times, we will say to one another that we should get together sometime but then it never happens. This week I decided to change that.
As the kids were running around having a grand ol' time, we moms managed to maintain small talk of the kids and weather. One mom had recently just "got here" in June. June may not seem like that long ago, but 6 months should be long enough for someone to at least start to feel like they are settling in. Knowing how I had lived here for a year without making too many friends and feeling settled myself, I asked her how things were going and if she liked it here. Her response was, "Yeah, it's hard." Guessing I probably knew what she was meaning I asked the group of surrounding moms if they ever find it strange that military families keep to themselves. They all agreed and from there, the level of interest in the conversation immediately changed. I could see and hear relief in some of their voices; they knew they weren't the only ones seeking something deeper. We laughed about how we have cell phone numbers of other moms and say we are going to call but then a couple of weeks pass and, by then, it is too awkward to call. So, right then and there, I seized the moment to set a date to get together. I laughed to myself as I could see we were all just trying to play it cool and not act like giddy girls who had just made new friends. Tomorrow, our kids will play, we will have some girl time, and who knows, it may be the start of new lifelong friendships.
If you are or have been a military family, what has been your experience with families socializing with one another?

The Battlefield

     After receiving the phone call from Jeremiah that he had been hit by two IED's, my mind was in a bit of an unstable place.  I wanted to share what it was like to experience this but I also wanted to make sure it was okay with Jeremiah before I posted these stories for the world to see.  So, when I asked him if it was okay if I blogged about the happenings of the past few days he said it was fine and that if I wanted to write about what was going on with him I should also add to it a sniper tried to shoot him in the head.  Looking back, I realize this was a dumb question, but at the time I asked, "How did you know he was trying to shoot you in the head?"  He proceeded to tell me that he was the only one laying in thge middle of the road working on a bomb when a bullet landed right by his helmet.  He tells me things like this like they are no big deal, and strangely enough, my reaction is just the same.  At times, we try to make light of the situation, maybe even with a joke or two, just to keep our sanity, even though we both completely know the reality that we are facing day in and day out.  So, throughout the next couple days, I just kept praying for God to continue to give me His grace and strength, and without hesitation, that is exactly what He did.  A few days after the phone call, I was standing at the bathroom sink washing my face, getting ready for bed.  As I closed my eyes and splashed the warm water on my face, God filled my mind with a vision, not just a little fleeting thought, but a strong, beautiful image that I hope will be forever engraved into my mind. 
     The land was desolate, no grass, no buildings- just dry, dusty, rocky brown soil.  Jeremiah was in full uniform laying on the ground, in deep concentration, working on diffusing an IED.  He wasn't at all aware of what was going on around him.  The whole scene, even though it was in a desolate land, was filled with this warm, golden light.  While he was lying there, these huge angels with tan skin, strong arms and massive white feathery wings were in battle all around him.  Some had spears and were fighting an unseen enemy.  And in the midst of the battle, one of the angels lunged forward with an outstretched arm, to catch another angel which was falling backwards limp.  He had just taken a bullet to the chest. The image transformed from an action scene to a still picture, frozen in time.    
     I rinsed the soap from my face and grabbed the towl to dry.  Refreshed, not by the water, but by my loving Father God.  I am so grateful for His strength, and that He knows exactly what we need when we need it. 
 
      

Are You Sitting Down?

     Jeremiah has been in Afghanistan for a couple of months now and life back here on the homefront has been nothing short of extremely busy.  I have been wanting to blog but there are so many things  I have to be careful of when my husband is deployed;  I would not want to accidentally say something about where he is or what he is doing, or where he is going that could potentially get him into trouble or lead him into harms way.  Since he has been gone, we have welcomed our second baby boy, Asher Jeremiah Cartwright, into the world, and my mom and I have started a new company called Trinkets.  We do trunk shows full of fun and trendy costume jewelry and other accessories.  I will write more about these happenings later, but for today, I will tell you about one conversation I will never forget.
     It was a warm Saturday morning and we had all just finished up breakfast on the back deck when the phone rang.  It was Jeremiah calling from Afghanistan.  It is always such a relief to hear his voice but this particular morning, there was something different about it.  Between trying to bounce Asher and keep him from crying in my arms and the static on the phone, I vaguely heard Jeremiah say, "Are you sitting down?"   I thought to myself, "Either he is going to tell me something really good or really bad,"  I just wasn't sure which it was going to be.  So, I sat down on the couch, still trying to calm Asher down when Jeremiah told me he had been blown up twice by two IED's that day.  My heart sank, and after thinking, "Okay, you're talking. This is a good thing."  My mind, in a matter of moments, raced through how my life may quickly be turned upside down.  I wondered if he had his hands and legs.  Would he be able to walk or would he be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, or was he calling me from a hospital bed, knowing he might not make it at all?  I quickly got up and trying to hold myself together took Asher to my mom so I could more easily focus on my conversation with Jeremiah.  Nervously, I asked him if he was okay, and thankfully, he said, "Yes.  I am having a little trouble with my vision, but the doctor said it should return to normal in a couple of days."  With my heart about to beat out of my chest, I felt the lump in my throat slowly begin to dissolve.  The IED threw him about 10 feet, but thankfully he was only left with temporary vision problems, a concussion, and an achy body.  I have known he has been in an "active" environment, but that was a little close for comfort. 
     As I got off the phone, I continued to replay the conversation over and over in my mind, recognizing just how quickly life can change in the blink of an eye.  I am so thankful for God's protection on Jeremiah's life.  I know that while he is fighting one battle over there, we will have a whole new set to battle when he comes home.  Fortunately we serve a God who loves us and doesn't leave us to fight the battles by ourselves.  As each day passes, I feel I have a little better understanding of God's grace, not just for my salvation, but His grace for my everyday life.   

A Chaotic Month

     Wow! Where has this month gone?  With Jeremiah getting ready to deploy we have been busy traveling the country visiting family and making prepartions for Emerson and I to move back to Missouri.  Over a long 4 day holiday weekend, we decided at the last minute to travel to Sarasota, FL to visit Jeremiah's grandparents who we hadn't seen in a couple of years.  Then, the next week, Jeremiah took 15 days of leave to go visit the rest of his family before he deployed.  In that time, we traveled from Georgia to his family's house in Ohio.  We stayed there for a few days and then continued on to my family's house in Missouri.  On our way back home to Georgia, we stopped for a couple days with Jeremiah's grandma in Tennessee.  It was a whirlwind of a trip, but considering we were traveling with a 22 month old and me being 7 months pregnant, I'd say it all went pretty well. 
      It is always such a pleasure getting to visit our families but these visits before deployments are bitter sweet.  While we were at his parents', they had a birthday party for him; I thought, "Oh I should go get my video camera and record this," but at the same time knew if I did, I would just break down and cry right then and there.  So, needless to say, I opted to just put it into the internal hardrive of my brain rather than the memory card of my camera.   Another reason these visits are so hard is that I know this time will be the last few days before he will have to leave; I want him to be able to see everyone and for them to get to spend time with him, but at the same time, I just want to be selfish and not share him with anybody.  Then, I feel guilty for being so selfish.  Agghh!  Such a roller coaster ride!
      After nearly 2 weeks of being on the road, we made it back home to Georgia to a house full of moving boxes waiting to be packed and moved into storage.  My mom came back with us to help us pack and travel back with me to Missouri.  She was such a lifesaver.  As if it weren't a big enough job to pack with a toddler, Emerson was also sick.  He had what we thought was just a cold but then it progressed into labored breathing and his poor little body would get so wheezy from playing.  We took him to the doctor, and they prescribed him a nebulizer and medication to help him breathe and clear up the beginnings of an ear infection.  Let me just say, giving breathing treatments to a 23 month old isn't exactly easy.  The doctor said he should be better in a couple of days, but in a couple of days, he still had a fever and his breathing was even worse.  So, we headed back to the doctor.  She wasn't pleased with how he sounded so she prescribed a stronger, longer lasting medication, and a dose of steroids which she warned me, "Now don't give this to him before bed.  He will be really agitated and more than likely he won't be able to sit still."  Bear in mind this is the day before we were getting ready to start our 2 day trip to Missouri.  Nonetheless, we wanted our little boy to get better and were willing to do whatever it took to make sure he didn't get worse. 
     Our original plan was for either mom or me to drive the van and the other one of us to drive the truck, but in the meantime, Jeremiah's deployment date was moved, so we figured he would need a vehicle to get around which meant we had to fit everything in the van.  Let me just say, it wasn't easy figuring out how to pack for a year with 2 babies, but we did it with maybe a cubic foot to spare! 
     We spent our last day in Georgia at the beach on Tybee Island trying to soak up the sun and every last moment of being together as a family.  That evening we headed back to the hotel knowing we had one of the hardest days of our lives ahead of us.  We woke up Saturday morning, ate breakfast together, and then carried our bags out of the hotel and down to the car.  I fought back tears all morning knowing there was nothing I could do from keeping this moment from actually happening.  I did pretty good until I saw Jeremiah holding Emerson telling him how much he loved him, and if that doesn't make one cry, I don't think anything could.  I was so thankful at that moment that Emerson isn't old enough to understand what was going on but at the same time wished he was old enough to know just how incredible of a man his daddy is.  Jeremiah put Emerson into his car seat and then it was my turn to say goodbye.  There aren't even words to describe those moments, I just know that they are painful and while I want to hurry and get it over with, I also wanted them to last forever.   As we said our goodbyes, mom too stood by.  I know it was hard for me, and I can only imagine how hard it was for her too, not only saying bye to Jeremiah, but seeing, me, her daughter filled with heartache.  As we drove away, we said one last goodbye leaving Jeremiah standing there alone, crying in the hotel parking lot. 
     It's been 2 weeks since we have left, and Jeremiah is still awaiting an exact date to leave.  It stinks knowing he is still there in Georgia while we are here, but I really feel like God knew exactly what we needed.  We've been able to start transitioning into living at my parents house knowing Jeremiah is still stateside.  Emerson has been having some issues not wanting to go to sleep on his own and waking up in the middle of the night, and I am not sleeping well simply because i am nearly 9 months pregnant.  We are just taking things one day, or night, at a time, knowing God is right here with us providing us with the strength and courage we need.     

You're Acting a Bit Strange

     Over New Year's weekend, Jeremiah had a four-day holiday from work.  I typically enjoy spending all this time together, but this weekend there was just something off; I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was driving me crazy.  "Maybe I am just stressed.  Maybe I just need some time away from Emerson, some time by myself," I thought.  I knew I could ask Jeremiah to watch Emerson, and he would do it in a heartbeat, but I didn't want to go anywhere, what I really wanted was for everything to seem "normal" and just enjoy this time together.  I felt like crying but just held it in.  Over the next few days, I analyzed a million things and if you could have seen or heard the thoughts in my brain you'd probably tell me I was psycho, but I just knew there was something wrong and I couldn't figure out what it was.
     One evening that week, I asked Jeremiah if he wanted to see my dresses I had to wear to the Miss America Pageant, he said sure and I went to try them on.  Normally, he is wonderful about giving comments and helpful feedback when it comes to clothes, but not this day.  He was basically indifferent about everything I tried on, and for me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back; I took the dresses, headed back to the bedroom, closed the door, and just began to sob.  This was the day before he was supposed to leave for a month of training and this isn't how I wanted things to be before he left.
     A few minutes later, he came back to our room and apologized.  I told him, it wasn't just that, but the whole previous week, something had been off, that I kept thinking I had done something wrong or maybe the thing I did was that I didn't do something I should have.  I said, "You've been acting a bit strange, and I don't know why."  He quickly hugged me and assured me, it wasn't me.  He told me how this deployment is totally new to him, that even though he has deployed twice, it is like a totally new experience this time.  He told me how he has left me before, but he has never had to leave a son, and a son who he won't get to meet until he is at least 6 months old.  On top of everything else, his MOS (army job) is different this deployment too.  He explained how he is just feeling overwhelmed, and he too is just trying to mentally manage it all.
     As we lay in bed and discussed his deployment, I told him of my little struggle for example, "I know good and well God will take care of all my needs, but if something happens to you, who is going to teach our boys how to play basketball?  I'm terrible at basketball!"  He chuckled and just said, "Why don't you just cry and let it all out?" So, that's exactly what I did.  I can assure you my crying wasn't a pretty sight, but waking up the next morning with red and swollen puffy eyes to a note that read, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  I love you with all my heart.  Have fun and see you soon. -Jeremiah"  reassured me of the wonderful confidence I have in my relationship with my husband.  And perhaps, I need to remember that these next few months are going to be just as hard, if not harder for him, than it is for me.

Deployment Ahead

     Over the course of the past 9 months we have heard talks of my husband being deployed; however since we have moved here to Georgia, those plans have changed at least three different times.  When you are married to the army you just learn to not believe anything until it is a sure thing- and even then it is not always sure.  Last month we were expecting a deployment to Iraq in June or July but a couple of weeks ago, that too changed.  Jeremiah came home from work and said, "Well, I'm not going to Iraq in June."  I looked at him and immediately knew he was going somewhere else sooner, and that is exactly what he told me.
     I have to be honest, I was not really surprised.  Over the next few moments a million thoughts flooded my mind.  First, I was sad when I thought about how he would miss the babies birth, but then when I thought about it more, i realized him being gone for the birth meant that he will be home before our son turns a year old.  Of course the thought of something happening to him while he is overseas also came to mind, but I tried not to go there yet.  The last thought I had came with a bit of excitement and anticipation, and that was the fact I knew a deployment meant I get to move home to Missouri with my family while he is deployed.  Don't get me wrong, I would never want my husband to deploy so I could go home, but as an active duty family, you know deployments are inevitable and you learn to make the best of them.
       So now for the hard part, over the next few weeks and months, I have to work at enjoying the time we have together and not fretting over the "What if's?"  I'm trying really hard as we approach Christmas to not let myself think, "Will this be our last?"  And all the while i'm trying not to think those thoughts, I also don't want to have any regrets should something happen to him so I am making sure we do things like videotaping him reading and playing with Emerson.
     As I work to control my mind and keep the fear to a minimal level, I have to just trust in my God.  I know He is faithful.  I know He will hear my cries, and that he is the defender of the weak.  In my moments of weakness, I know he will give me strength.  It is my hope in Him, that I know I will be able to have joy during this trial because during this trial my faith will be tested, and I will persevere.  I know He will comfort me and give me a peace that passes all understanding.  My God loves me and no matter what happens, he will provide my EVERY need.
     If there is one thing I have learned over the past two deployments, it is that when i randomly think of Jeremiah or his guys, whether it be as I am walking through the mall or waking up in the dead of night, I have learned to do more than just think- I have learned to stop and pray.  On more than one account after one of these middle of the night moments, Jeremiah has called me the next day to tell me of an incident and how it was completely a "God thing" that they survived.  With that being said, I have one favor to ask of you, when Jeremiah or I come to your mind over the next year, please don't just think about us- pray.  I am a strong believer that prayer is powerful and while there is a real battle of flesh and blood out there, there is a spiritual battle taking place that is ever bit as real.
     I know the next year will not be an easy one, but I look forward to sharing this journey with you.